You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
