I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Randomize
