i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
