They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
