Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i think my mom watched the whole time
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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