Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
