i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
