Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
