Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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