you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
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He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
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I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
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