I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
