Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
