America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The air was thick with penises
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
