Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
