Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize