Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
