the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
