I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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