Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
