Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
