I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
