Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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