based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
