I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
