Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.