we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
