Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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