census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
