Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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