I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
