I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
