Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
