i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
