seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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