I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
