Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
