I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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