I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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