see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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