nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
