I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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