okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
