So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
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Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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