i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
