my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
