Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
