Please don't use social media to get back at me.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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