I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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