The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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