he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
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you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
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How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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