Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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