I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just found a bag of teeth...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
