Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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