The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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