he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Ketchup is God's man juice
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
