I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
