people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
