i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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