goodnight i made you a song goodbye
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
