woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
