Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
