His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
send nudes
from the living room?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
