i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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