its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
