now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
